christmas eve

The church that my family attends in Richmond does not have a Christmas Eve service and being that my family must go to a Christmas Eve service we chose a local church to attend tonight. It is funny because tonight we look like a family that only goes to church on Christmas and Easter, but we are far far from that. I grew up going to Church every single time the doors were open. That statement makes me sound hostile about it, but in reality that is where I wanted to be most of the time.

So, tonight my family walks in late and we slip into the back, like any average American family does on Christmas Eve. We sing carols, we listen to the Christmas story read from different members of the congregations. Somewhere in the service, I begin to get bored, and my eyes begin to scan the room. The sanctuary is small and I begin to see so many acquaintances from high school. Without thinking, I already begin formulating my plans to avoid them at all costs, because I "know" them or at least I know their "type". I think to myself "I wish they understood the Gospel" and that is the beat of my heart, but I think I am missing something very important.

I look down at my carefully planned outfit, it is expensive, trendy, and full of pretension and when I begin to take it all in it hits me--I look just like them. Sitting here on this Thursday night, no one would be able to tell a single difference between me and any other Deep Run student/alumni. I think that I am so different, so unique, but I am the same. I long for the same things as they do: acceptance, beauty, worthy, love, etc. When I reflect on the decisions I make most of the time they look just like the next upper-middle class girl from Suburbia.

In all honesty, I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes, I want so desperately to just run away from all of this, thinking my problems will be cured if I can just get away from the next Nordstroms, but I am here and running exhausts me.

So I will stay and hope that this realization will not just lead to words, but action.