shell

i feel like at times i am losing more and more of myself.

today, i lost my camelback waterbottle. i know this is no big deal, but this water bottle has climbed mountains with me and is covered with stickers that represent colorado and part of me wanted to cry when i realized it was gone because i will very well never get another "noah's ark white water adventure company" bumper sticker or "horn creek colorado" sticker. i cant get it back. it's funny how the littlest thing can bring us back to a place we can't return to.

...and then a song comes on and i am back in this summer. i can hear "lift us up to fall" by tenth avenue north and i am reminder of every single round up and how i had to focus so hard on the words because the melody had become so repetitive. i am back in that moment. i hear "wonderful" by everclear and i am reminder of the late spring semester and how i would sit in lindsey's room and request for her to play "wonderful" over and over again and how it would continually bring a smile to my face, even when she was so over it. i hear "marvelous light" one of the most popular worship songs today and i am back at youth group maybe 10th or 11th grade hearing it for the first time, my youth pastor reading the powerful lyrics to us. i hear any song by horse feathers and i reminded of summer nights and falling asleep peacefully to the sound of folk and a light banjo. ben folds reminds me of high school and thinking we could relate to his stories of drugs, alcohol, sex and wedlock, we were so naive. "heart beats" by jose gonzalez reminds me of right now. it is speaking to me sitting here alone in my room. just the right mixture of sorrow and joy.