shell

2010-07-29T11:32:00.002-04:00

"Notice how we are perpetually surprised at time. ('How time flies! Fancy John being grown-up and married! I can hardly believe it') In heaven's name, why? Unless, indeed there is something in us which is not temporal."

-C.S. Lewis

2010-06-26T14:22:00.001-04:00

i adore this song right now.

moving

2010-06-19T16:50:00.001-04:00

I am sitting on my front porch or steps, really, of my boxcar talking to a camper. It has been a long day: up before seven, one hour off, and now it is drawing near to eleven and any extra energy I had earlier in the day has been used to scratch my hundreds of mosquitoes bites that cover my legs. My camper is telling me about her adventures on the high ropes course and I am trying with all my might to stay focused, but the high ropes course no longer holds the same thrill it did when I was 12 and like I said before: I am tired. Now, I have never been a big believer in déjà vu, I can’t really remember ever feeling it and I don’t really get what it is, so this may be déjà vu, or it could simply be a strong memory, it doesn’t really matter either way. But, all of a sudden I am not a counselor, or a college student but I am thirteen again at summer camp, asking my counselor how the heck you ever mature in your Christian life or life in general. Everything was so far off. The feelings are coming back from middle school and youth group and the feelings of constantly trying so hard. I heard the gospel constantly, but I felt like I was never going anywhere; I was always going to be in middle school; I was always going to not be completely sure of my salvation and was always going to be too young to drive or stay up to midnight. But, in the next moment I am back listening to this camper tell me about high ropes, and I honestly can’t believe where I am. How did I ever get here? It is scary what happens when don’t even realize we are moving.

middle school lovers

2010-06-16T10:49:00.002-04:00

listen to the story of the love life of my camper lacy ellen

lacy, a 12 year old, rising 8th grader came to camp with a boyfriend. i believe they had been dating for two weeks. solid middle school relationship.

enter jackson, a cute boy from richmond. oh let me remind you lacy is from north carolina. on tuesday, two days after meeting, they are caught kissing during free swim. take note she still has a boyfriend at camp.

two days later her current boyfriend, gains the courage to break it off with lacy. if you can't tell by now lacy was basically the queen bee of camp. ten minutes later jackson asks her out during free swim, that night we spend our devotions talking about her relationship with jackson and how wonderful he is.

twenty-four hours later jackson breaks up with lacy because "they are both too big of flirts". lacy cries and then moves on to the other available middle school boys.

and that is the story of how lacy had more boyfriends in one week than i have ever had.

2010-05-11T20:41:00.001-04:00

“but the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, his love for us does not. it is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to him.”

-c.s. lewis, mere christianity-

Final Annoyances

2010-05-07T17:21:00.001-04:00

Let me just share some surfacey, irrelevant annoyances. Maybe you will enjoy them because they in fact rub you the wrong way too, or maybe you will think I am crazy, either way, I am sharing.

1. ) I am studying in the library and the couple across from me: 1.) Are not cute. 2.) Are making out. Please get a room.

2.) Literally the only page of the internet that will load quickly is Facebook, which is great if I didn’t have a million other things I needed to do besides stalk every one of my friends.

3.) I have become incapable of cleaning my room. I used to at least try to put clothes back in my dresser, the floor is now my dresser and it annoys me that I am so lazy.

4.) I am selfish. I would be lying if I told you my favorite topic wasn’t myself and this has hurt some people that I deeply care about recently.

5.) I have to be at camp in less than two weeks. I want to go, promise, but could I have a little time? Goodness gracious, I have four days at home between lifeguard training and finals. I am so sorry that I go to a public university and we don’t finish school in April, but how can you expect me to be at camp May 20th.
6.) How can one person have the capability of making me so happy and frustrated?
7. ) Writing a paper about a book you didn’t read is challenging. I know entirely my fault, but still.

The couple is still making out. I am turning up Ke$ha to avoid hearing their lips smack.

2010-05-02T14:31:00.002-04:00

Regina Spektor's voice somehow always speaks to the sorrow in my heart. Life is wonderful. But, you sit in your car late at night and you can't deny the pain and exhaustion and hurt that comes from living. Regina's voice sings the melody of my heart because even on your best days, things are crumbling somewhere.

distance.

2010-04-12T17:38:00.003-04:00

It's funny how some relationships change and some stay the same no matter what. I was talking to one of my best friends from high school today and honestly it was a stretch to keep the conversation going. There was a period of time that I made her promise to help me paint my house when I had a family, now I wonder if I will even think to call her when I get engaged. I haven't seen her in person for more than three days in years, but there was a time in life when we spent all our time together. She would camp out at my house, for days at a time. We were stranded without cars and licenses, but we also wanted to be together. I don't know if we have simply out grown our friendship or each other, but it's funny how little she knows about me now.

And then there are those rare friends that for some reason it doesn't matter if you saw them yesterday or six months ago, you are exactly the same. I wonder what qualities those relationships have that keep them so strong. I want to find it and bottle it up and immerse all my relationships in it.

in the sun

2010-03-27T10:59:00.006-04:00

It has been such a wonderful, crazy and hectic semester, full of immense joy and early mornings full of exhaustion. It's hard to believe that this semester started out with snow and recruitment and even harder to believe that it will be over before we know it. We have six weeks left in the semester. In college time, I know this means I already need to prepare myself for goodbye or I may be overwhelmed by the end. I am excited for summer, who isn't? There is something magical about the heat of summer nights and the sun on your skin. This summer is opening doors into a new chapter of my life. In someways I am fulfilling a life long dream this summer. As a camper at Camp Willow Run, I always thought how wonderful it would be to live at camp all summer. That in fact is what I will be doing this summer. For those that know the camp, understand the train-themed camp, and the fact that I will be living in a boxcar all summer. I know the transition to summer will bring changes I am not quite willing to accept yet. Like the lack of communication with the outside world, the inability to skype, the early mornings, the distance with close friends. Of course, I know that there will be growth and joy that comes from being in charge of 1o girls for a week. I have no idea what to expect from this summer, or in reality even the next six weeks, but I am excited for the journey.

I can't help but love the blissful joy of new She & Him

blessed.

2010-03-21T15:54:00.002-04:00

I try to remember to bless my food before each meal. A simple prayer, sometimes with friends, sometimes forgotten. A few words that sometimes come out of habit. I keep praying for God to bless me, my friends, my family. In reality, I simply need to open my eyes and see the blessings everywhere I am. I am blessed. I should say that to myself over and over again because I keep asking for more and I have so much. So much. Not, in a bratty way; in a "I honestly don't think I deserve" another thing way. I don't, but Jesus is so incredibly faithful and loving. I would live for him if he took everything away, but like a father he wants nothing more than to give his children good gifts.

This is so preachy. But, open your eyes. See the world and see how nothing else is better than Jesus.

best friends

2010-02-26T17:02:00.003-05:00

distance means nothing
watch teen pregnancy shows
give
encourage you to be bold
skype
lyric wednesdays
paint your nails
share wisdom and tea
laugh
crawl into your bed
listen
genuine
rant about boys
distract you from schoolwork
love
teach you new things
secrets
mix cds
hold hands
tie-dye
support

i have the best.

snow days

2010-02-10T23:28:00.006-05:00

In the recent days full of snow and blizzard-like conditions I have learned something somewhat new and starling about myself. If I had no one to encourage me to get out of bed in the morning and interact with other human beings, I could quite possibly sit in my room all day hidden from the world. I am an introvert at heart. I honestly always considered myself an extrovert because they always seemed more popular and likable, but I can no longer deny who I am. Recently, my greatest fear has been being locked in a social setting. I need my car. I need an excuse to leave at all times. I need the comfort of my bedroom. I am more of a loner than I ever realized.

While in no ways do I consider these feelings something to run from or hide, I have found that when taken to the extreme (which with the mixture of bad weather and shaky relationships has been the case recently) they can be destructive. Even on my best days, I have a hard time opening up about what is really going on in my life. Yes, I will share my embarrassing story of dropping a gallon of milk in the middle of Kroger and watching it explode easily, but it takes a lot for me to tell someone what is really going on. I want to carry my own burdens. Satan sends this clever message, that you are stronger if you do it on your own. I believe it most of the time. I actually pride myself on my inability to cry and ability to hide my feelings. I know, that statement is messed up on so many levels. But the world tells me those things make me strong.

Ironically, this thought hit me while watching the movie, Up in the Air, honestly it was sad, actually depressing. It made me want to go home and curl up in my parent's bed and forget the world. But even this movie made by people who most likely do not know Jesus, seemed to disagree with my previous statement. Strength does not come from within. Why do I think that? I am so broken. I am just the type of broken that hides it from the world, but that doesn't make me any less broken.

love/hate

2010-02-08T14:05:00.002-05:00

sometimes making lists is just fun.

love:
watching the snow fall
mint green tea
wearing tights
vampire weekend
scented candles
laura marling
sisters
canceled classes
songs from passion2010
unchristian by david kinnamin and gabe lyons
raisins
an education
hummus
braided hair
nutella
dreaming of summer

hate:
shoveling snow
slipping on ice
vienna on the bachelor
over-committing
not having my car
ever-changing friendships
exclusiveness
not seeing my family

awake, my soul

2010-02-07T12:44:00.001-05:00

backdoor

2010-01-29T01:22:00.003-05:00

As the recent events have unfolded in the last few weeks, one truth has remained above the rest. We cannot prepare ourselves for our struggles. For as much as we want to say that we can handle anything thrown in our faces--this is hardly ever the case. The Devil is tricky, clever and cunning and even when we are most prepared to fight him he finds his way in the backdoor. As much as we emotionally, physically and mentally prepare for what is ahead of us, that is never the same as actually experiencing it. Emotions are powerful and sometimes they have somewhat of a crippling effect on us weak human beings. If you find yourself in the most seemingly unlikely challenging situation, fight it hard.

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
1 Timothy 6:12

2010-01-23T01:23:00.001-05:00

“Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.”
–Charles Spurgeon

life

2010-01-21T00:38:00.008-05:00

I've had one of those days where everything looks okay on the outside, but everything is going terribly wrong on the inside. I don't know where I came up with the strength to keep up this facade, but somehow I kept it up. Today everything was crumbling on the inside, you wouldn't be able to tell, but while reconstructing my room I was trying to put back the pieces in my life. But somehow rearranging my bed and television did not lead to healing.

But, that's what I want so badly. Healing in relationships. Healing in myself. But, I feel stuck in this crumbling state. I would like to believe that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay, but I've long since learned that sleep does not heal as much as I wish it would.

Again, I am struck by the timing of this state. Everything was suppose to be golden. It is surprisingly warm in January and the newness of the beginning of a semester is upon me, but such is life. You can't expect it, predict it, or avoid it.

Loved

2010-01-19T23:31:00.002-05:00

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Skyping with Shelley

Beats reading Camus

Blog hacked and poem written by Lindsey.

2010-01-14T23:42:00.005-05:00

You know the feeling when you want to be alone and surrounded all at once. A paradox that has no resolution. I feel this way about a lot of things. I remember learning about the literary term "paradox" and not thinking it was common, but more and more all I see are paradoxes. I am sitting in Burruss auditorium beginning recruitment surrounded by so many potential new member or PNMs in the Greek world. A girl gets on stage and tells all 500 of us girls--that the sorority we join will effect us forever. I'm sorry, forever. I want to tell this small blonde woman that she doesn't get it. Of course, this is absolutely absurd, who in their right mind would say a sorority has eternal impacts. But, then I remember in this life, it is honestly all about who you know--relationships. So yes, whatever your Greek letters are will probably not be engraved on your gravestone, but it might effect who is standing besides you in those hard times and how you chose to handle those challenging situations. So again, I have thrown myself for a loop.

I live in a constant state of perplexity.

2010-01-08T00:54:00.001-05:00

2010

2010-01-06T22:14:00.005-05:00

Transition. I didn't realize how horrible I would be at it or how much I would hate it until I went to college. I guess I had never really experienced it before I moved away for school. But, every time it comes around it sneaks up on me and in a way destroys my spirit. It is in those first few days home or back away that my heart does not know what to do.

This thing called transition has done a lot of things to me. I remember coming home for winter break freshman year wanting so eagerly to be home and then getting there and simple standing in my room not knowing what to do. I was stuck; I didn't know the next step. And then, I remember coming home from Colorado and wanting to be alone, but surrounded at the same time. I remember the tears flowing down my face as I cried over something completely irrelevant. That transition was handled the worst on my part. Instead of turning to those who cared about me or the True Comforter, I sat in my bed all day, depressed.

And here I sit, after coming home from Radiate and Passion2010 and I am beginning to sense the same feelings creeping back up. I am home for a week just enough time to get slightly attached so it hurts to leave. But, this time I am trying, for the first time in my year and half college experience to do this right. To live to the hilt every situation I believe to be the will of God. And let's just face it--you can't really live in this stage called transition. At least for me, when I am transition I find myself either looking and glorifying the past or longing for the future. I only have seven more days at home and not knowing what the next semester holds who knows when I will be back here.

I don't want to credit these next days to watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy or excessive sleeping, but living fully: drinking in the goodness of God, reading, deep conversations, praying, perfecting my french braiding skills, knitting, resting but not wasting.

christmas eve

2009-12-24T22:00:00.006-05:00

The church that my family attends in Richmond does not have a Christmas Eve service and being that my family must go to a Christmas Eve service we chose a local church to attend tonight. It is funny because tonight we look like a family that only goes to church on Christmas and Easter, but we are far far from that. I grew up going to Church every single time the doors were open. That statement makes me sound hostile about it, but in reality that is where I wanted to be most of the time.

So, tonight my family walks in late and we slip into the back, like any average American family does on Christmas Eve. We sing carols, we listen to the Christmas story read from different members of the congregations. Somewhere in the service, I begin to get bored, and my eyes begin to scan the room. The sanctuary is small and I begin to see so many acquaintances from high school. Without thinking, I already begin formulating my plans to avoid them at all costs, because I "know" them or at least I know their "type". I think to myself "I wish they understood the Gospel" and that is the beat of my heart, but I think I am missing something very important.

I look down at my carefully planned outfit, it is expensive, trendy, and full of pretension and when I begin to take it all in it hits me--I look just like them. Sitting here on this Thursday night, no one would be able to tell a single difference between me and any other Deep Run student/alumni. I think that I am so different, so unique, but I am the same. I long for the same things as they do: acceptance, beauty, worthy, love, etc. When I reflect on the decisions I make most of the time they look just like the next upper-middle class girl from Suburbia.

In all honesty, I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes, I want so desperately to just run away from all of this, thinking my problems will be cured if I can just get away from the next Nordstroms, but I am here and running exhausts me.

So I will stay and hope that this realization will not just lead to words, but action.

2009-12-22T17:29:00.000-05:00

listen in entirety. i promise it's worth it.

2009-12-12T01:45:00.006-05:00

Recently, I have been on a quest to be domestic. I feel like if I can somehow make my way through a kitchen I can find someone who will want to be with me. I am ashamed that I actually believe that previous sentence. You see my mother told me for years that my future husband would not be pleased with me because I did not have any skills in the kitchen. And now, a sophomore in college with no prospect in sight, I am desperately looking to learn how to maneuver a kitchen in order to find a husband. It is illogical, because in fact the only thing I really know how to do is clean up after myself when I make a gigantic mess. And at the end of the night, after I have found a way to put the kitchen back together again I am no closer to companionship.

fool

2009-12-07T09:09:00.011-05:00

Sometimes, I think that I just completely miss the message of the Gospel. I have moments of intense joy and peace and in those moments I know what I am living for, who I am living for. But, more often than not I have moments when all I can think about is how I am going to get a new cardigan sweater from Anthropologie. I don't understand myself. Time and time again, I get the new cardigan and I am not satisfied. I may feel cute for a moment, but inevitably there will be someone that, in my opinion, looks cuter and then all that effort was wasted. But, in those moments of intense joy and peace, I have clarity and purpose. I know why I am on this earth and why nothing, literally, nothing else matters, except for the glory of God. But, then comes the new boots and jeans and all I can do is want more and more. I keep running after things that are disappointing. This makes me a fool. By definition, a fool is someone who continues to do the same thing over and over expecting different results like maybe this time these diamonds will make me feel beautiful.

The glitter does nothing for my heart.

love

2009-12-06T19:19:00.008-05:00

blacksburg at christmas time
wooden wick candles
shane and shane's christmas album
campfires
short nails
avett brothers
advent calendars
glee
fiber optic christmas trees
upcoming reunions with colorado friends
snow days
the wisdom of henry david thoreau
used book stores
snow
the 411
winter sunsets
zucchini bread
sister winter by sufjan stevens
owls
aluminum camelbacks
cardigan sweaters
cowboy boots

2009-11-24T17:44:00.000-05:00

i am officially obsessed with the wonder that is bon iver.

airplanes

2009-11-22T14:05:00.005-05:00

sitting on this plane i feel captive. confined, limited by the fact that i only have one destination. i cannot chose who i sit next to, so here i am stuck between two middle age business men. neither, chose to talk to me, why would they? i am clearly a college student and they are consumed by their world of blackberries and professional suits. i prefer flying at night. it makes the plane seem cozier, even though i find it impossible to fall asleep on planes. i find myself nodding off, but then as soon as i begin to think that i can fall asleep, the weight of my head is too much and i am forced to sit up straight again. but, there is something intimate about looking out the window and seeing the lights coming from the cities below. i dont know if in this moment i feel big or small. in the airplane i start thinking, i play the major game of "what if's..." i have the time, so why not? but, in this game i get lost, my mind cannot comprehend the many factors that make up my future. so i simply stop thinking, which i must say is a rare thing for me. i always have thoughts running through my head. no matter where i am something triggers a memory or a fear and i dwell on it. i have begun to realize that i am "dweller", i am weighed down by past thoughts and memories. so to stop thinking is remarkable. i am trying to move forward and stop reliving every painful or emotional moment over and over again. i want freedom from my thoughts, from the torture they bring me late at night. on this plane, i realize that i don't have to live like this. just as the pilot controls where this plane lanes, i can control what consumes my thoughts. jesus is all over this idea. paul commands us to "take every thought captive." the irony is in taking every thought CAPTIVE, you in return are given FREEDOM and i deeply desire to be free. as i sit here with little to no personal space, i am experiencing the freedom that comes from truth. not that this half-hearted freedom that the world offers, but true freedom.

less than 6 weeks

2009-11-16T17:50:00.005-05:00

currently, i smell a frozen pizza cooking downstairs and i know that i am home. our little house is full of this wonderful goodness and it is taking every bit of self control that i have to not run downstairs and steal a piece and ruin my dinner. today, is november 16th and instead of feeling like a crisp fall day, it felt like a warm spring day. i am confused what season it is. i want to be in the thanksgiving spirit (does that exist?) and i simply cannot feel it when it feels like may here in blacksburg. but, regardless of the weather i will be heading home to richmond in just a few short days to begin to celebrate my favorite holiday of the year and to bask in good food and family. although, we are not quite at the end of the semester, there is very little time left after thanskgiving break and i am beginning to feel like the semester is winding down, final tests, final papers, the conclusion of another semester surprises me. i am taken aback that i have been back in blacksburg for three months now. i have concluded that in the year of 2009 i have spent no more than 6 weeks in richmond. to think that there was a time that i spent less than 6 weeks away from richmond is a distant memory. reflecting on this semester and further more the conclusion of almost another year i cannot help but notice change in myself. changes that i am happy with, proud of, and changes that annoy me. another year has gone by and my hair is longer and my teeth have probably shifted thanks to my lack of retainer use, but who am i as a person? are these changes only evident to me? and what, i am dying for this answer, does this next year hold?

2009-11-06T02:10:00.001-05:00

2009-11-02T23:37:00.005-05:00

i love my roommate. i love all of my housemates, but i just can't get over how much i really love living upstairs with my room connected to cary's. cary and i have the strangest relationship that really works and i love her dearly. she is so good to me. being an engineer and a diligent student she will be pulling an all nighter at the empo tonight. i havent seen her all day, actually more than a day, since yesterday afternoon. but, i miss her when she's not here. mostly because she distracts me from my work and listens to my ridiculous stories from the day. the upstairs is empty without her here right now. we have lived together for a little over two months and i cant even count the nights that we have kept each other up way too late talking. the other week, we stayed up until 4 a.m. talking and i made her promise that i would be in her wedding. (what a girly thing to do--stay up late talking about weddings) although, we spend a lot of time laughing, there is a depth to our relationship. she challenges me and tells it like it is. everyone needs someone like that in their life.

friendship is good. we are so clearly made for relationships. we werent meant to do this thing called life alone.

“friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

--c.s. lewis

mwf 10:10

2009-11-01T01:59:00.004-04:00

i wish i had something brilliant, inventive and creative to write here. i hope to not waste your time with just my current thoughts and frustrations. but then again, i don't even know who reads this so i am really just writing to a blank audience.

college is really the strangest time period, a time of self discovery and growth clothed in late nights and even later mornings. my earliest class is 10:10 a.m. and if given the opportunity i would sleep through it without thinking. midnight is an early bedtime and frozen pizza is a classic dinner option. i think the thing that bothers me the most about college is that i can't identify what i am. i am not a child or an adolescent, but i am, in my mind, the farthest thing from an adult. i live independently, dependent on my parents. i use the word home loosely depending on where i am. if i am in class and heading "home" that of course would be the 411, but when i think about home, my true home, in richmond, i havent been there in months and that makes my heart ache for normalcy and stability.

tonight, the united states celebrated halloween. i may be dumb in saying the united states, maybe it's a worldwide holiday? i thought it was a holiday about young children, candy corn and "trick or treat-ing." i think that it was actually created as an excuse for college students to get excessively wasted and parade around the streets in ridiculous outfits. outfits that they would be ridiculed in on any other day of the year. it's not that halloween isn't fun in some ways. but, im also disgusted by it. how one holiday can lower the standards of an entire town. sometimes i think that college students are simply wasteful, self-centered, obnoxious human beings and i am ashamed to call myself one of them.

i constantly forget my identity is not in my age bracket or school colors (but, i do have to say orange and maroon have really grown on me)

when everything else lets me down or fails to meet even the lowest of expectations, i have you jesus and you are always good.
"you hem me in--behind and before"
-psalm 139:5

2009-10-28T15:44:00.000-04:00

i love fall
the 411 backyard
photography by my wonderful housemate katie noland

restoration

2009-10-25T21:10:00.000-04:00

i pray for growth and god answers
the process is always painful
oh sweet jesus, i always start my prayers that way
but sometimes he doesnt seem that sweet
sometimes the walls seem like they are falling inward and i have no escape
but, jesus, i know you are my rock
through every toil
you stick with me as i make horrible, irrational decisions
i cause others pain, yet you still love me
why
why
why
your goodness makes me long to be with you
to be in your place of wholeness
but i am surrounded by all these wonderfully created unsatisfying things
i love the music of this earth
but i only need you

2009-10-24T10:38:00.000-04:00

i love this poem, indian summer, by emily dickinson:

These are the days when birds come back,
A very few, a bird or two,
To take a backward look.

These are the days when skies put on
The old, old sophistries of June, -
A blue and gold mistake.

Oh, fraud that cannot cheat the bee,
Almost thy plausibility
Induces my belief,

Till ranks of seeds their witness bear,
And softly through the altered air
Hurries a timid leaf!

Oh, sacrament of summer days,
Oh, last communion in the haze,
Permit a child to join,

Thy sacred emblems to partake,
Thy consecrated bread to break,
Taste thine immortal wine!

2009-10-22T18:46:00.000-04:00

the small town of westcliffe

there are simple beauties that you pick up from living in a community, that you simply don't get from vacationing there. i experienced it this summer in the beautiful state of colorado. there wasn't a day i wasnt amazed by the beauty of the mountains, i was still speechless from the beauty when i was flying away that painful day in august, the same way i was at first glance. but, besides the mountains i also got to know the little town of westcliffe. a town that i would have driven through and not thought twice about. but, instead i had a chance to take in the small town: candy's local coffee shop and "the hot spot" the bowling alley. i love knowing a city inside and out. knowing its quirks and short cuts. i am finding that i am developing this kind of relationship with blacksburg. i now know the best roads to take to pass main street traffic on game day. the best coffee shops: if you are looking for a pumpkin spice blended coffee go no farther than the daily grind, but if you want anything else stick to mill mountain coffee, which happens to be located on the corner of my street, conveniently. when it comes to restaurants, you can't go wrong with gillies vegetarians cuisine, i have never had a desire to be a vegetarian, before tasting the deliciousness that is gillies. you need to live somewhere to really take in its traditions, culture and beauty. i would never of thought that blacksburg had anything to offer this girl, but i am finding that is far from true.

seasons

2009-10-19T18:22:00.000-04:00

this weekend at cru's fall retreat was a mingling of emotions involving my past, present and future.

past there were moments this weekend i could not have been more reminded of this summer. no more, than when lifehouse's everything skit was presented. each week this summer the worship team presented the everything skit to the campers and every week my eyes welded up with tears and i felt goosebumps. i could not help but compare this skit to this summer's. yes, the servant team presentation this weekend was good, but there was something so deeply intimate about the skit this summer. also, cru is already promoting summer project for next summer. but the quick 2 minute presentation they gave for it, didnt even begin to explain the immense joy, growth and community of summer project. i still miss it and can't believe how much time has passed since this summer. i hate that i write about it so much on here, but i dont like talking about it for--1.) no one can relate 2.) i don't want to be annoying and seem like i want to be somewhere else

present god opened my eyes to some new truths. i deal with problems by suppressing my feelings. if the feeling are uncomfortable or painful, i subconsciously feel the best way to deal with them is to hide them. healthy, right? not at all. i didnt even realize that i have been struggling with accepting that where i am right now is god's best for me.

future this may be the scariest part of my life right now. of course, because it is the unknown. i am afraid that my own human fear is holding me back from taking huge steps of faith. [the irony in that statement is undeniable. i am afraid of my own fears. i have issues.] a good friend pointed out that she sees this season of my life as a season of steps of faith. it is impossible to be complacent, i must move.

i am wrestling with living fully in the present, not forgetting where i have been and embracing the adventure of my future.

2009-10-14T12:29:00.000-04:00

it is a cold, rainy day and the warmth of last friday is clearly a memory now. my body is beginning to believe that fall has fully sprung and is beginning to miss more and more the glorious heat of summer. friday, in my mind, was perfection. the type of day you can go outside in shorts and a tshirt and be comfortable the entire day. but fall, brings a whole new sorts of things. the coming of fall each year is a reminder (like i need one) that things are constantly changing. nothing stays for long, especially in this time of my life.

i am being reminded more and more each day that i am becoming a grown up. i have found living in my own house for the first time i find myself saying things that i have heard come out of my mother's mouth a hundred times. "don't leave dirty dishes in the sink" or "it really is easier if you clean up after yourself as you go" and those sayings just have to do with cleaning the kitchen, there is also the reminder to take the trash out on wednesday nights (we have only forgotten once) or to check and make sure that the doors are locked at night. but, it really is more than just the simple responsibilities of keeping house. i am realizing more and more that the decisions that i make today have a direct impact on my future. i guess, in some ways, it has always been like this, but for the first time i am realizing i play an important role in my future. there are decisions only i can make and in some ways they are terrifying. when most of the time i am waiting for someone to step up and be like "shelley, go this way!" the future is ahead of me and it could not be more of a blank slate that i get to create. but, like so many things from picking out my outfits to picking a major i have a feeling i am going to try many paths before i land on the one that is for me.

so what is adulthood? is it constantly changing? is there a time in your life that you ever feel like you are qualified to make those big decisions? i do not feel like an adult and i am sure in a lot of ways the world does not view my nineteen-year-old-self as an adult, but that doesn't mean it is any easier.

currently...

2009-10-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

i am listening to bon iver, the weepies, and regina spektor on repeat.

i am wrestling with the idea of finding the balance between grace and truth.

i am counting down the days until i make the trip to philly to see lindsey zito.

i am downloading new sermons from matt chandler, tim keller and beth moore to listen to on my road trip.

i am in the mood for all things fall, give me anything pumpkin flavored.

i am exploring options for my future i would have never dared of, even six months ago.

i am learning what it means to be a friend, roommate, sister, and daughter.

i am finding the irony, in the fact that i am now surrounded by the people that sent me snail mail while i was in colorado this summer and i am sending snail mail to the people i spent every single day with this summer.

i am trying to find comfort in solitude.

gone

2009-10-03T00:43:00.000-04:00

i was going back and forth between the idea of going home or staying in blacksburg this weekend. it has been six weeks since i ventured to the great city of richmond and my heart is aching for the comfort of my mother's cooking and some of the simple joys of suburbia that i was raised on. in the end, i decided that it would be too much to make the trek to richmond this weekend. my parents are busy and i had this feeling that i would show up in rva with nothing to do. i was perfectly content with the decision until, i had to actual act on it. but, i think that, in reality, i miss the memories more than richmond. in my mind, every time i go home i think that this time it's actually going to be like it used to be. but, it never is. i am not trying to be depressing. but, i need to dwell on truth: that stage is over, move on, and grow up. but, even over a year into this whole college thing, i am still waiting for my mom to show up and take me back to life as i knew it.

2009-09-27T14:21:00.020-04:00

I dream of a peace that surpasses all.
I dream of a day that I have an idea of what I will do with my future.
I dream of climbing mountains.
I dream of a day I can go without complaining.
I dream of someone falling in love with me just the way I am right now.
I dream of traveling, adventure, and an end to all these insecurities I have.
I dream of getting over my fear of missing out.
I dream of finding a church to invest fully in.
I dream of long walks on the beach.
I dream of serving, wholeheartedly, my community.
I dream of sitting behind a pottery wheel, covered in clay, throwing pottery, lost in thoughts.
I dream of being bold in my faith and who I am.

2009-09-27T11:44:00.000-04:00

"A river flows downstream, always moving, and you can never step in the same river twice. In some places the river currents move faster than others. This is a lot like our life. We are all going on with our lives always moving and always changing. ...We can’t go back to what we once were and we can’t move forward any faster than we are intended."

2009-09-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

i have heard the story of how my parents met countless times, i don't think i know the complete story, but a version of the story that is appropriate for them to tell their children. it basically consists of the fact that my mom worked at the sub shop that was in the same shopping center that my dad did, and he frequented the sub shop enough for them to strike up a friendship and for him to ask her out. oh, did i mention at the time my mom was 17 and my dad was 24. she was still in high school, granted she would graduate a few months later, and he had already graduated college. they claim that both thought that they were 21. in fact, neither of them were. i wish i could see their first few interactions, i cant imagine my parents not knowing each. they are the two most consistent people in my life and i cannot wrap my mind around the fact that at one point they were strangers to each other. yesterday, they celebrated their 21st wedding anniversary and boy have they experienced a lot in their 21 years: raised three children, found god, moved houses, traveled the world, changed jobs, cried, laughed, loved and been each others best friends.

i only hope to be as happy as them after 21 years of marriage and their relationship gives me hope that you can find your soul mate anywhere.

2009-09-23T23:03:00.001-04:00

my room at the 411.

this where i: sleep, think, study, dream, create, laugh, cry, listen, love and live life daily.

there are not that many words left in me

2009-09-22T10:05:00.001-04:00

i am written out. i in fact have been spending the last few days writing. writing for my creative writing class. it was a painful process but i am happy with the results. i did not believe this was going to be the case when i was sitting in the daily grind all afternoon yesterday forcing myself to write. but, writing has a way of surprising you. thoughts came out on paper that i didnt know i had. i wish i could share the paper with you. but seeing that it is eight pages in its entirety i will not be posting it on my blog.

on a side note, i have been loving my housemates more and more. they are so good to me. granted, good sometimes consists of lighting a fire under my butt to force me to get my homework done. but, nevertheless they have been a joy.

i have been feeling particular drained the last couple of days. i think i need to just escape and bask in who jesus is. i am always going. i need to be still. who knew that concept could be so hard? we are commanded "be still and know that i am god." psalm 46:10

thoughts

2009-09-19T00:54:00.000-04:00

i sit here on a friday night and i dont have any particular thoughts running throughout my head. instead my mind is wandering, thinking about things that are important and unimportant. i can tell that my feet are dry. they were covered in tie dye and dirt earlier tonight, so i had to scrub them clean and now they are begging to be hydrated. my week was long, or was it? monday seems like a lifetime ago, but at the same time i cannot believe we are already done with our fourth week of classes. i am going to cville for the weekend and this will be my first time leaving the burg, since i moved back in august. i will be gone for twenty four hours, so really no significant amount of time, but i wonder, will i miss it at all? what will my homecoming look like? will it be like coming home? will i rejoice in my room, my house, and all the things that i associate with blacksburg? has blacksburg somehow in four weeks, morphed itself completely into my life? or, will i long to stop by richmond on my way back to blacksburg? will i want to venture the mere hour out of the way to see my family and be spoiled by my mother? will blacksburg,in my mind, cease to exist when i am gone? i don't know, but somehow i feel that how i respond is very significant to who i become.

2009-09-14T00:10:00.000-04:00

i spent the majority of my sunday night running around blacksburg looking for the movie the hot chick. the girls of ascot 612 have a current obsession with rachel mcadams and that happens to be one of her BEST movies. so good that it is impossible to find at blockbuster, crossroads-the local movie rental place (which has a great selection indie music, i am definitely going back soon) or in the hands of any of their friends. they may have texted anyone in a twenty mile radius of blacksburg to try to find this movie and no one had it. so there i was tagging along with these ridiculous girls on a sunday night looking for a movie that probably got a half of a star when it came to theaters thinking "this is college". when else in your life do you forget about every single one of your responsibilities to run around on some outrageous mission? im pretty sure this has no resemblance to adulthood.

2009-09-12T11:18:00.000-04:00

not another video, i know, seriously. but, if you haven't heard of passion conferences you are seriously missing out. watch and join the movement.

2009-09-11T09:11:00.001-04:00

the truths that i forget most often:

jesus, alone, can satisfy. [I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. Jeremiah 31:25]

jesus' plan for my life, is the best and most fulfilling, and it's right where i want to be. i have a purpose for my life and it's biggger than me. also, if i don't fulfill the purpose that jesus has for my life, no one else will. his plan is specific, unique and just for me. i dont want to miss that.
[For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11]

i can do nothing for my own redemption, it is all out of jesus' unconditional love. [ In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:7-8]

right now, seeking after jesus in blacksburg is his best for me. [The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10]

i will cling to the truth and reject the lies.

2009-09-07T16:21:00.001-04:00

2009-09-06T18:25:00.000-04:00

i miss sunday night dinners at camp. they were by far my least favorite meal of the week. the ham was basically rubber and every other part of the meal came from a can. i almost always just ate peanut butter and jelly instead. on some sundays, i would refuse to eat the turkey subs for lunch so that would be two peanut butter and jelly's in one day. but, what i would do to be sitting around a wooden table that was designed for four people with eight full size adults. i can think of so many sundays that i would drag myself to dinner and complain throughout the whole meal because i was so damn tired of ham and yams. but, now it is gone. i will make a turkey sandwich for dinner in a few minutes and i will most likely eat alone, simply because my roommates are out or doing homework. hey, we aren't all handed a schedule at the beginning of the week that tells us to come to the ranch dining hall at six for dinner. my meal will not be interrupted by silly camp cheers. i wont stack the cups at the table or drink the sweetest tea in the world. i will eat, clean up after myself, and move on. dinner will not be an event. no one will jump down from the rafters to scare the campers and there will be no after dinner dodgeball festivities.

life moves on, but god i miss it.

2009-09-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

i feel like at times i am losing more and more of myself.

today, i lost my camelback waterbottle. i know this is no big deal, but this water bottle has climbed mountains with me and is covered with stickers that represent colorado and part of me wanted to cry when i realized it was gone because i will very well never get another "noah's ark white water adventure company" bumper sticker or "horn creek colorado" sticker. i cant get it back. it's funny how the littlest thing can bring us back to a place we can't return to.

...and then a song comes on and i am back in this summer. i can hear "lift us up to fall" by tenth avenue north and i am reminder of every single round up and how i had to focus so hard on the words because the melody had become so repetitive. i am back in that moment. i hear "wonderful" by everclear and i am reminder of the late spring semester and how i would sit in lindsey's room and request for her to play "wonderful" over and over again and how it would continually bring a smile to my face, even when she was so over it. i hear "marvelous light" one of the most popular worship songs today and i am back at youth group maybe 10th or 11th grade hearing it for the first time, my youth pastor reading the powerful lyrics to us. i hear any song by horse feathers and i reminded of summer nights and falling asleep peacefully to the sound of folk and a light banjo. ben folds reminds me of high school and thinking we could relate to his stories of drugs, alcohol, sex and wedlock, we were so naive. "heart beats" by jose gonzalez reminds me of right now. it is speaking to me sitting here alone in my room. just the right mixture of sorrow and joy.

love

2009-09-02T22:34:00.000-04:00

current favorite things:
-mod podge
-wind blown hair
-journaling/ being forced to journal for creative writing is a gift not a burden
-getting lunch with old friends
-the body shop's body butter-olive scented
-proverbs 4:23
-my housemates
-hard wood floors
-bike rides throughout my neighborhood
-sleeping with the windows open
-the color mustard yellow

fresh

2009-08-26T16:38:00.000-04:00

i am back in black, and it's like i never left. the last few months have disappeared into thin air and i am right where i left off in may. except, not exactly. i no longer call a dorm my place of residence and i no longer am the most clueless person on campus. i am now a person of knowledge, when it comes to finding classes and dining halls. but the funny thing is, most of the time i am just as helpless as a freshman. but, aren't we all as insecure and out of place as freshman, except we find someway to mask it behind our sunglasses and circles of friends? my biggest fear is that someone notices how lost i am and calls me out on my insecurities and identifies me as a freshman.

2009-08-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened over this year, a lot has shaped who I am on this day, on this August 18th. Looking back on last year's August 18th, I could not predict for you what my future held, or how I would be shaped by such experiences of losing, of gaining, of deep joy, and mild sorrow. So much life has happened in these few short summer months that it will be impossible for me to return to Tech as the same person who left in May. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I want to stand beside me in this exciting journey of figuring out what I want life to look like. Big changes are coming, how could they not? Some so big, and some so internal, that it would be impossible to describe to you through these words. But if you know me, if you know my heart, you will know where I am coming from. You can no longer predict me, my every move, my habits, my tendencies. There is something bigger than what I experienced this past year at Tech. There is a movement that is happening, and I want to take part. What is that asking of me? I am not sure yet. I just know that life isn't about the daily drama. Let's cut the crap and start living for something more real, something more satisfying. Wouldn't you want to follow this at all costs? Wouldn't you want to follow this, even if it meant changing your lifestyle?

britney lindsey zito spears

2009-08-12T21:32:00.001-04:00

dearest lindsey zito,

you are the essence of cool that i want to be. you bring out the best in me, my authentic, true self that no one really sees. you have this ability to make me spill my guts and then some and still find some way to make me laugh about it. you make me feel comfortable, loved, beautiful, and accepted. you are the definition of a true friend.

"friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

2009-08-12T11:59:00.000-04:00

"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this."
--C.S. Lewis

im not who i was

2009-08-07T18:07:00.000-04:00

i want to escape to a world that does not exist. i feel out of place in richmond, i don't know what is awaiting me in blacksburg and westcliffe is no longer full of people that i love. i want to translate to the people i love what my summer was like, but i simply can't find the words.

i look at my life and it is so incredibly different than it was in may. i am listening to switchfoot's "twenty-four" song. the lyric goes "life is not what i thought it was twenty-four hours ago". what happens when you have been away for ten weeks. i may have come home to the same house full of all my things, but i feel different.

when jesus takes hold of your life, he doesn't leave you the same. he knows there is simply too many lies and disbeliefs that he must work through to bring you closer to him.

i love this prayer from a friend:
Lord, let your voice and presence reverberate through my innermost being;
Surface my heart and allow my tongue to continually respond to the rhythm of your presence.

random list of loves

2009-08-06T21:04:00.000-04:00

my heart is all over the place, but these things seriously make me smile right now:

-needtobreathe--the band is amazing. they have a new album coming out soon and they are on repeat in my itunes

-photography. especially excellent photography from this summer.

-fresh salads with fresh fruit. notice the emphasis on fresh.

-good friends all over the country and cell phones. what did they do before cell phones?

this movie. i love love loved the book.

home?

2009-08-05T22:36:00.000-04:00

what is home? i know the saying home is where the heart is, but what if you leave your heart somewhere and simply can't return. my heart is not in richmond right now. my heart is colorado. my heart is with the people i served beside all summer. but, being realistic we will never been reunited all together on this earth.

so what is the next step? how do i get adjusted? i will be back at school in a couple weeks? so where do i place my heart?

my heart aches for this summer. i know, i need to get over it. but, i know this will be a summer i will never forget and i will be changed forever because of it.

thankful

2009-07-26T16:03:00.000-04:00

yesterday we spent the day in colorado springs and went shopping. i was honestly dying to go back to camp and get out of the hectic city life. but, the day was spent with wonderful people and even when on the way home, when we almost went to new mexico instead of westcliffe--we had a great time full of deep, loving conversation. at dinner we started talking about things we were thankful for and honestly we could have gone on forever...it has been such an incredible summer.

so here's just a few of our blessings that we mentioned over dinner:
1.) the fact that camp is secluded on the side of a mountian in the little town of westcliffe. it is relaxing and refreshing and one of my favorite places in the world
2.) we have authentic relationships here and we can be honest with one another and know that we will be accepted. the community is like no other. we love, serve, respect, and care for one other and we are always having a good time.
3.) our freedom...basically saturday is our day off and we are allowed to do whatever we want. yesterday we had the opportunity to go to the springs, but we have had the chance to do so many things this summer
4.) we have friends with cars that are willing to drive and thankfully their cars work
5.) even when when we get stressed out and lost, give us just a minute and we have the ability to switch right back to our fun selves in a matter of moments and of course there is laughter.

with only a week and a half left my heart is breaking with the idea of leaving, but i put my hope in the fact that god has big plans in store for my future.

abandonment

2009-07-19T02:39:00.000-04:00

i want a life of wholehearted abandonment and service to jesus. i believe that the gospel message is so radical and life changing and that once it takes hold of your life there is no turning back. there is no halfhearted living. once you have experienced jesus--he is enough.

life is way too exhausting, hard, challenging and overwhelming to do this without jesus. even in my highest of highs i am constantly reminded of my need for him because when i try to do this whole life thing on my own i fail and let myself and others down. simply put--i need jesus constantly.

i am an emotional wreck when i start thinking about my future and what is in store because i simply can't control it. it is like a constant slap in the face from god that i can't do this on my mind so i need to stop trying.

everything i am, jesus, i am yours. thank you for taking me as i am.

i love colorado

2009-07-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

i love colorado. i love the mountains. i love the tiny town in the middle of nowhere. i love the people i serve with daily. i love the laughter. i love not watching an ounce of television. i love the community. i love the dancing. i love being stretched out of my comfort zone. i love escaping to the creek at camp and just dwelling in the beauty of god. i love climbing mountains that should never be climbed. i love being at 9,000 ft. elevation daily. i love serving. i love the encouragement from my brothers and sisters in christ. i love the weather and the sunshine and the random rain showers. i love being secluded from the real world.

i hate the idea of leaving. i hate thinking about the realities of life. i hate the fact that collectively as a group we will probably never be together again. i hate the fact that the days fly by without me even noticing. i hate the fact i have been this disorganized. i hate the fact that eleven girls sharing a bathroom makes a sink get dirty really fast. i hate the feeling that the summer is already coming to an end.

what a summer. what an adventure. what a challenge. i wouldnt trade it for anything.

less of me

2009-06-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

oh my goodness. i cannot even begin to describe life in colorado. i wish that everyone that i loved could experience life with me here in the west because i can simply not put life into words.

to sum up just a little of what i have done in the last week: traveled to denver to get urban youth training, slept in the basement floor with twenty other girls in the projects, served the homeless and poor, been in civilization, driven all around beautiful colorado staring out the windows in amazement, peaked the highest sand dunes in north america, not had a second of free time, been encouraged, challenged, missed home and friends, loving the people i am serving besides more and more.

randoms facts about life:
-there are no mosquoitos here. i think the elevation is too high, but im not complaining
-i go to sleep, wake up and live life with the same 50 or so people. there are great challenges and rewards from this--we are a true community of encouragment and support and family to one another
-i have such a new found appreciation for civilization. i now will not take for granted the promixity i have to a target
- i love denver. its a BEAUTIFUL city. my heart breaks for the poverty there. but, the city itself is still so beautiful and there is so much to do: a wonderful downtown area, tons of parks (did you know that denver has a special love and desire to have public parks everywhere!?! literally every three blocks there is a park) professional baseball team, cute neighborhoods, and awesome churches (http://www.scumoftheearth.net/)
-hiking in sand is way more difficult than hiking on solid ground.
-i cannot do this without jesus. i simply have to rely on him constantly.

brokenness

2009-06-13T19:30:00.000-04:00

the world is so incredible broken. from my 7th grade campers to my sweet grandmother. i see the pain everywhere. relationships are broken, there is lying, cheating, stealing, and even the kindest people bring you harm. the only one that can ever bring you wholeness is jesus. i wanted so desperately for my campers this week to understand that they could not be satisfied with the current state of their life. these lukewarm, youth group active, law abiding children were broken. and i could try to tell them this is the kindest way possible, but nothing was going to change them except the holy spirit. i could have every single right answer during cabin time and i could be a perfect example of a christian all week and that would not matter if jesus was not moving in their souls.

coloradoooo

2009-06-04T00:29:00.000-04:00

my life is adventure. in the last six days i have:

-entered the state of colorado for the first time
-gone backpacking/camping in the mountains of colorado
-met 35 other college students that were just unknown facebook friends to me a week ago
-gone white water rafting in the frigid cold water and survived
-been so cold in june

i was completely blown away by the majesty of the colorado mountains while driving home from rafting today. these mountains are in my backyard every day but there was just something special about being literally SURROUNDED by these mountains. i cant explain the beauty. it was such a wonderful drive with four girls that i met a week ago. we are all on a wreckless pursuit to know christ more this summer and that unites us.

we have our first day off on saturday and we are going to explore the tiny cities that surround us in westcliffe. then on sunday our first batch of campers come. it's going to be a crazy summer.

god has already answered so many of my prayers in this past week. he has calmed nerves, found support checks, built relationships, given me strength, provided great spiritual leaders, and provided safe travels.

"blessed is she who has believed that what the lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
luke 1:45

the final countdown

2009-05-27T01:07:00.000-04:00

so the goodbye have started and reality is setting in. i am leaving i will be in colorado in less than 48 hours working at a summer camp through campus crusade for christ (check out the snowridge link). wow. i don't even believe it as i write it. whats running through my head/prayer requests:

the transition-i am oh so worried about making friends. i am leaving behind so many people that truly care about me and entering a world where i know no one. i know as christians we have a natural bond between us that is strong. but, i hate the idea of feeling lonely. i want to be able to find my niche right away.

my friends at home-this includes school friends and rva friends. i will miss all of them so so much. i hope that we can keep up over the summer, somehow. i hate being completely out of the loop, but hey it's gonna happen when we are miles apart

my family-they can get on my last end when i am at home, but when we are apart i genuinely miss them. ha. why is that? i can't seem to ever appreciate what i've got when its right in front of me. i hate myself sometimes for this.

i look through these prayer requests and i realize the importance of relationships in life. we are meant to be in relationships with others, it is simply how we are wired. the connection between two humans is unique and can do so many powerful things. i cannot imagine going throughout life alone.

"life is slippery, here take my hand" -h. jackson brown jr.

2009-05-26T00:33:00.000-04:00

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

-Jesus

expectations

2009-05-22T09:45:00.000-04:00

i had a dream last night that i was still in blacksburg and life was like it was two weeks ago. i had all my things in my dorm and my horrible, wooden loft was still intact. i literally woke up and i was confused for a second. why is my bed on the ground? why is my bed even comfortable? why is the sun not blaring in my eyes through the blinds? oh and then i remembered where i was. it really is strange and i have to say that i definitely have had a unique college experience so far. i had to tell two separate people yesterday that "no, i do not get completely wasted every weekend at college". its so funny that i cannot escape the typically college stereotype. my doctor told me i was CHANGING THE WORLD by not drinking...seriously?!? do they expect nothing from us college students, more than to party on the weekend and sleep through our classes?

i look at my life and i think i could be doing so much more. i want to do so much more. i want to love people deeper, serve people in need, and share my immense blessings with others. but, people already think that i am doing enough by simply not drinking? i hope that my impact is more than a simple girl with good morals, i want to actually make a real difference.

favorite things

2009-05-19T00:12:00.000-04:00

oranges from d2-i love stealing a few to snack on throughout the day and they are always sweet. i cant find them like this at home
clean laundry-i say this as the majority of my clothes sits on the floor of my laundry room awaiting cleaning. it will be nice when it is done.
mix cds-i love giving/getting mix cds. i cant explain the feeling of driving in the car with windows down listening to new music that was picked out for you
homemade cards-i dont think that anything could brighten my day more. i pretty much hate all generic hallmark cards. haha. i just love when people put their creative twist on things, even if they say they are not creative
TOMS-ok these shoes are comfortable, cute and they help children in need. is it bad that i want another pair?
journals w/o lines-i love being able to doodle in my journal/write in whatever size i want to. sometimes i like to write really big and with capital letters, it's my way of screaming
walking barefoot-sometimes it just feels good to lose the shoes
abp coffee>starbucks coffee-this is a fact. it breaks my heart that there is no abp in rva. starbucks cannot master the iced skim vanilla latte like abp
gillies breakfast-there is nothing like a huge plate of gillies pancakes for $5 to light up your morning and leave you stuffed for days

2009-05-17T23:56:00.000-04:00

"Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

411 love

2009-05-16T23:54:00.000-04:00

side note: you can download a free live coldplay album at coldplay.com SO GOOD and i love free music

what a day.
i went back and forth to blacksburg with cary for haley's grad party. such an adventure. i loved it. the day was chalked full of beautiful faces and conversations. i walked into the 411 for the last time as a guest. cary and i took a good inventory of all the great things of our future house:

1.) it comes from some great girls that have some awesome traditions. a toast was given today to the 411 girls of past, present, and future. we have this bond through this little house on giles road
2.) cary and i share the upstairs so we basically have a whole level of the house to escape the world and relax
3.) we love our roof and its accessibility. it will be a great place for mediations/stargazing/late night chats
4.) we are going to have a hammock
5.) along with our hammock we have a wonderful backyard and we will be having cook-outs...now hopefully, we can get some boys to come help us grill
6.) i hope that it will be a place to fester great relationships, deep conversations, laughter, and a home.

we even made a pit stop in cville to see roni on the way home, which was wonderful. i simply wish i could have all the people i love near me now. i miss my blacksburg gals way too much. i cant really explain it.

hellllo rva

2009-05-13T18:29:00.001-04:00

dear old richmond. i am here, but you are no longer the same to me. although, i love your shopping and restaurants, and my dear old family that resides here. you no longer solely hold my heart. i used to love driving into the city after coming home from vacation. i loved the skyline and the familiarity of the james river. but, there is another city that i hold dear to my heart. little old blacksburg. although it is drastically different than the busy city of richmond, its heart has become part of me. a city that basically consists of main street has so much to offer this girl.

the distance between us

2009-05-12T00:17:00.000-04:00

one time when we were at a youth camp my youth pastor made the comparison between missing his young children to our heavenly father missing his children. he talked about how his heart broke having to say goodbye to his two little boys for a week.

right now, my soul aches and although we have a few hours left in blacksburg, i have become to accept the fact that i am going to be away from these people. i wonder if my heavenly father is looking down, understanding this grief i am experiencing, because he too feels this way. he wants his children to turn to him, but daily we ignore him and he misses us. we are his beloved creation.

i am sad. distracted. confused. excited. tired. antsy. happy. disappointed. emotional. awake. terrified. lost. distraught. dramatic. found in jesus.

less than 24 hours before goodbye

2009-05-11T11:42:00.001-04:00

i am sitting in deets and in reality i should be studying. i should be focusing on my exam that i have to take tonight, but of course i am distracted and rightfully so. this year is ending and the rain is pouring down outside. as i sit in deets, i cannot imagine not being in this place for three and an half months. to me this reality. the uncomfortable sofas and hard chairs of deets are where i have spent countless hours this semester: studying, attempting to study, talking, laughing, catching up after a weekend at home, sleeping, drinking tea and simply living life. but, even when i return in the fall deets will not be the same to me. yes, i may come here to study, but deets will no longer be a quick 4 min walk from my dorm. this is a constant reminder that life never stays the same. with each season there is new hardbreak, love, laughter, joy, exhaustion, anxiety, and change.

but, what if i am not ready for this new season of life? although, i know i am about to go through a period of growth. like a three year old brat, i simply dont want to. i am finally adjusted. i never thought i would be ok with showering with flip flops, sharing a room, or florescent lights, but those things all remind me of lee 538 and i dont want to leave.

a part of my heart is now here in blacksburg with my girls. there is no way that anyone can prepare you for the deepness of relationships in college. they are so vastly different than my friends in high school. we live life together.

abp lunches, monday night tv, late nights, cru, moes and the lyric, thai food, the homeplace, scone fridays, tatoos, dancing, lots and lots of laughter, facebook stalking/videos, bandannas, d2 brunch, sleepovers, skyping while we should be studying, ice cream, embarrasing stories, caring for each other, praying for each other, encouraging one another, supporting one another.

"i thank my god upon every remembrance of you." philippians 1:3

mothers day

2009-05-10T13:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Mom,

I love you so much, despite my attitude, negative comments and frustration at times. I can complain, be hostile and ungrateful, but I am so thankful for you in my life. We have definitely had our ups and downs in our relationship, but I have always known that you would remain faithful. I am sorry for the times that I have lied to you, disobeyed you, and rejected your presence in my life. I love when you open up to me and share your past with me. Some of my favorite memories are long car rides with you, long walks on the beach or simply a lazy afternoon. You spoil me so much and I am so grateful. I know that you hate to deny me anything and would sacrifice anything for me. I see a true example of a servant in your life. I love that although at times I think that you are too controlling, I have seen that you have given me many opportunities to explore my interests and desires.

I love that you are a godly woman. A woman truly after god's own heart. You support me in any way that allows me to grow closer to god. You have sacrificed your time, money, own desires to help me pursue Christ. I know that I am so blessed to have a mother that is living with the same eternal purpose as me.

Thank you for everything. I hope that one day we can get together without snapping at each other and I can begin to thank you for all that you have done for me.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD shall be praised."

change

2009-05-10T01:50:00.000-04:00

i can tell that i am on the brink of change. although, this weekend feels like a regular weekend in blacksburg, i can tell it deep in my bones that things are about to be different. in three days i will be home, and in less than three weeks i will be in colorado. my life as i know it is about to be swept up from underneath my feet and things will never be quite like they were.

life moves on, change happens and we adapt. but what do you do in the waiting period? this calm before the storm. how do you prepare for a change this big?

the only thing that i know that will be consistent in the next few weeks is my relationship with jesus. jesus is consistently good and faithful, both qualities that i lack.

i will dwell in him, today, tomorrow and as i step out into the unknown.

love/hate

2009-05-08T13:49:00.000-04:00

current loves:
conor oberst
avoiding studying
having bunk beds instead of lofts
iced coffee
black and white photos
andy from the office
the brilliance of c.s. lewis

current hates:
allergies
my unmade bed
rain/frizzy hair
saying goodbye
dust and its constant present in my dorm room

collection of my thoughts

2009-05-07T22:11:00.000-04:00

sometimes you just need isolation. college can provide little to no opportunity to escape. although, today was a generally fantastic day i sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a little alone time. a chance to breathe, debrief and simply escape. i can't go anywhere without my cell phone, i cant be in my room alone without my roommate walking in, i cant grap a meal alone without feeling like a loser. now dont get me wrong, i love my friends more than life. i would sacrifice anything for them. but what would it be like to know i had a night to simply breathe and forget all the pressure/drama/tension that comes from living life 24/7 with a bunch of girls.

one of the main reasons i am so terrified of this summer is because i am afraid i am never going to get a chance to unwind. i am going to place where i know no one and it takes effort to make relationships. i am going to have to be the fun, perky shelley. am i ever going to get a break? i have to led campers on hikes in the mountains of colorado and then come back and be example to them of jesus and his merciful love. what if i get irritable? no, i know i will get irritable and i know a breakdown will come at some point. what if i simply dont have what it takes to do it this summer? i am wrestling constantly with these fears.

also--can i just say I HATE FINALS TIME. not that i am particularly stressed out, because lets face it i dont have the most difficult major in the world, but the fact that everyone else is overwhelmed and busy. i just want to hang out, waste the rest of the money on my meal plan, spend hours laughing, and forget about this thing called classes. i hate that everyone is done with finals at a different time and leaving at different times. i want a final goodbye. these friends are my family in blacksburg and i will miss them so much.

i am currently trying to dwell on the words of this beautiful song:

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah...

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

music i cant stop listening to

2009-05-06T11:49:00.000-04:00

always love-nada surf
i dont know a thing-lucy schwartz
wonderful-everclear
memory lane-elliott smith
home-vanessa carlton
used to get high-john butler trio
skinny love-bon iver
re:stacks-bon iver
chicago-sufjan stevens
that dress looks nice on you-sufjan stevens
dark blue-jack's mannequin
at least we made it this far-relient k
as tall as cliffs-margot and nuclear so and so's
masterfade-andrew bird
oh no-andrew bird
your love is strong-jon foreman
beautiful-phil wickham
say hello-rosie thomas
all downhill from here-amy kuney
her morning elegance-oren lavie
fightless bird, american mouth- iron and wine
can't go back now-the weepies
all cause of you- the 88
hello-skylar fisk
natalie-FLOREZ
use somebody-kings of leon
knees to the earth-watermark

feedback? tell me your current favs...

2009-05-06T00:09:00.001-04:00

Making a new blog for all of us to keep up for the summer. Will post the link soon. In Lindsey's room permanently cause we're biffers.

his mercies are new every morning

2009-04-15T18:42:00.000-04:00

yesterday, i was at squires having my quiet time. i have begun to love to have my quiet time outside of my dorm. there is something so refreshing about sitting on a couch in the library or abp and spending some time with jesus. i normally listen to music to drown out the sounds of the world going on around me. my ipod was on shuffle yesterday and "mercies new" came on my nichole nordeman. the lyrics really hit me...

So I would understand if you would make me pay
I would understand lying in the bed I made again

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all your mercies new

It really struck me that, in our human minds we understand the concept of punishment, more than mercy. My small mind cannot even begin to comprehend god's mercies and although i screw up every day, I do not have to live in shame. I can approach god every day because of his mercy. I think that I forget this so often. Think of how much my life could be transformed if I simply dwell on god's mercy every morning...

its been a while

2009-04-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

i realized that i miss blogging. it's fun and it encourages me to write. i think that i got overwhelmed because there was so much going on in my life and i didnt know where to begin to blog. lets just say life hasnt been going exactly as planned lately. but it fact that is life. this past week i spent at home from school because i had to get my appendix removed last week. it was a week of doing basically nothing. for a few days i didnt have the strength to get out of bed and that is not me. basically, i am positive that god had some plan for me being at home all week. the rest was enjoyable and a MUCH slower pace than normal. in fact i cannot think of week that i have done this little, in the LONGEST time and i have to tell you i get antsy fast. but, through god's strength i got through this week. the pain has subsided and i am heading back to school today, with mounds of make-up work. haha

i am intrigued by what god is going to teach me this week. it's going to be an interesting week on campus. thursday is the two-year anniversery of the april 16th massacre. i hope that this can be a time of great growth and recovery for a campus that still incredible broken by the events of april 16th. its harder for me to relate, to the upperclassmen because i was not there on that horrible day two years ago.

also, hey, today is easter... i love this scripture
"But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

enjoy your easter sunday and hopefully ill update soon.

ending the day singing...

2009-03-04T01:21:00.000-05:00

so...what started out as a normal tuesday ended up being a fantastic day. after i got my 3 ridiculously long classes (ok they are only about an hour) out of the way i rejuvenated and had a great day. natalie and i decided to skip the gym and spend some time catching up in deets and i ended up working a great deal on my bible study leader application. there were some good time with friends intermitted throughout the day and now even at 1 am i am still happy enough to blast (in my headphones) some jackson five and sing along. while, my roommate is peacefully sleeping i am breaking down my dance moves.

tomorrow is wednesday and while i normally love wednesday for the fact that i have bible study, i will be skipping bible study this week to go to the UNC game! i am very excited, i had a great time at the duke game on saturday and i know with a sports fanatic like natalie we are a bound to have a great time. i think the only think that could make the night better is if the hokies somehow pulled off a win against those tarheels. i think that would make it a game to remember. but anyway i will be happy!

ok, so it has been a long day and unlike most people who are planning on catching up on their sleep over spring break i know i will come back even more sleep deprived so i should be heading to bed now.

>>>random fact. i love to read and the new jodi picoult book came out today! i think that i am going to wait to borrow it or wait til it comes out in paper back because i already have a long list of books i want to read before her new one. also-i love to read beth moore's blog and she recently put up a post requesting book recommendations that i would love to go through. i saw a lot of people mention redeeming love...which i love! in my opinion, you cannot get any better christian fiction than redeeming love. i am just hoping that maybe somewhere is the 500 comments i can find another book i like as much as redeeming love

oh the snowy days of march

2009-03-02T00:48:00.000-05:00

i am currently up way past my bedtime, but the snow is still falling outside and that's giving me hope that maybe one of my classes will be canceled tomorrow. it sucks because my brothers don't have school tomorrow--i am incredibly jealous of them at this point. my roommate is up late talking to her bf on the phone/watching vh1 reality tv shows. i am not going to say that i am not annoyed. i think that i know more about their relationship than anyone. i hear every conversation. they are currently talking about what attracts them to each other. it's just kinda gross and obnoxious. ok...i am done venting. it's just a really small room and we are not close enough that i feel that i can be real with her...for example i can't tell her how DUMB i think vh1 reality tv shows are. done. promise. i love my roommate and i know this is part of living in the dorm.

so, this was a pretty chill weekend. my fam came on saturday, which was wonderful. we went to the duke game and sat on the front row!!! (although, sadly the hokies did lose) we ended up at applebee's for dinner and then they left. the main event of my weekend was the frontline breakfast on saturday morning where i learned about being a bstud leader for cru next year. we learned a lot about what it takes to be a bstud leader and the application process. i honestly don't know what i want to do. i am overwhelmed by the idea of being a leader, and yet at the same time i know it could be a great experience. the application is due thursday! wow. i tried to work on some of it today and i wasn't really feeling it. i dont know if that is a sign. but, honestly i wasnt in the mood to do anything today. i need to do some serious praying because no one can tell me the right thing to do. my mom thinks it's a great idea. she had the opportunity to take leadership position in her bible study years ago and has just started to lead and wishes she did it earlier. but i dont know what's best for me. any feedback?

"aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. aim at earth and you get neither" c.s. lewis

check this video out...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3_mxRKfpVY

finally friday

2009-02-27T01:04:00.000-05:00

i had an awesome time at cru tonight. although, i think that jeff highfield is a great campus director sometimes i can be bored by his talks, but tonight he was on. he talked about holiness and how god desires for us to be holy like he is holy. many people associate holiness with boringness, but this is far from the truth. god said that he came to give us life ABUNDANT. jeff went on to talk about what a lifestyle of holiness looks like. he did tell us what we can and cannot do, but simply said some things create a barrier between us and god's holiness. his examples were...it's difficult to praise jesus after watching saw IV, or listening to little wayne. our minds are clouded with unholy thoughts that distract us from acknowledging him. he basically left it up to us to decide what we consider unholy in our lives. recently, i have really gotten into working out to girl talk. the dj mixes current top 40 hits to make some serious beats, but the songs can be just plain disturbing/crude and those are the song lyrics that get stuck in my head at the end of the day. so, i think its pretty easy to see that i will be switching up my music tastes for the gym. i want to find some christian rap artists that i like. i know i will continue to listen to secular music other times throughout the day, but i love to listen to rap when i workout and clean rap is pretty much impossible to find. so any suggestions? jeff also encouraged us to memorize scriptures which i think is an awesome idea that i want to take seriously.

ok, so it's kinda late. im going to sleep. only ONE WEEK until spring break. hard to believe. i swear college messes up your view of time. life goes by so fast AND slow at the same time. my fam is visiting on saturday and i am excited to see their lovely faces--although i have no idea what we are going to do unless we somehow get tickets to the duke game--which would be AMAZING. but, i have very little hope.

grace and peace.

grace

2009-02-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

jesus's grace is amazing. to make a long story, very, very short--today was a bad day. one of those days you do not ever wish upon yourself. one of those days that sneaks up on you out of no where and leaves you just plain dumbfounded. i think that i would be depressed right now if it weren't for jesus. i can honestly say that he is the only one that i can truly turn to and count on. he is consistent, loving, comforting, and i am continually reminded of his grace every single day.

after the events of my days unfolded, i found myself in a panic. i was without my cell phone and literally had no one to confide in. i wanted to talk to my mom, i wanted to hear her comforting voice tell me everything was going to be alright. but, that was simply not an option. god had a bigger plan. i have been told before that you should always go to god first (before you even talk to a godly friend), that he is the one that will truly be able to help you in your times of need. but, i always struggle with my human nature and the desire to confide in another human being. today i had to solely rely on jesus. i had the opportunity to take my bible, journal and ipod and head to the duck pond for a quiet time. i needed the isolation and serenity. jesus transformed my soul and left me with a greater peace than any human could have given me.

so, looking at today from eternal perceptives (which is what counts) today was a highly successful day. although, i wish the events could have played out differently, for me to experience this amazing alone time with jesus--i know that jesus had this day planned out when he was creating me and the large impact it would have on my life. there is no one but jesus that satisfies. there is nothing on this earth that we can put are trust in and have complete faith that it will sustain. there is no one but jesus that can take a horrible day and transform it into a day of great spiritual growth.

i love this passage...
"so we do not lost heart. though our outer nature is wasting away, out inner nature is being renewed day by day. for this slight momentary affliction is preparingfor us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as we look not to the things that are sen but to the things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are TRANSIENT, but the things that are unseen are ETERNAL. "
2 corinthians 4:16-18
(im considering memorizing this passage i love it so much)

wednesday feburary 25th is almost over and i am incredibley thankful:)

blah mondays

2009-02-24T00:05:00.000-05:00

so today was the last monday in february. that was the thought running through my head this morning as i got groggily out of my loft. no more mondays in february. i don't know if this is the right attitude to wish the month away, but i am ready for some warmer temperatures and summer. but, sometimes this causes me to forget about the present. the current day-to-day life that i am currently living. i am one to think that on this date in the future i will have it all together. i forget that even when i am living in that far off future date i am going to have struggles. there are always issues in life, unexpected complications, heartbreaks and just plain stressful, overwhelming days. so, i should learn to enjoy the present.

i think that i might want to add a creative writing minor. weird, but i really find myself able to express myself through writing. i don't know if it will be way too much writing, but i would love a place to fuel this desire. my mom loves the idea so that kinda helps. i am currently a human development major and i want to become a counselor. so...creative writing really has nothing to do with what i want to do. but i dont think i will have another time in my life to be taught how to write. i do have to figure out how to work the credits into my schedule. i have to say i was trying to figure out my schedule for the next couple semesters and i was getting overwhelmed! i wish my advisor would hand me a sheet and be like "take this class second semester junior year" and this way you will get every class you need. right now it's like a puzzle trying to fit all the classes into the next 3 yrs.
another thought about my education, i don't think i will ever be done! my human development major doesn't really take me anywhere without futher education. but that means some kind of grad school or maybe seminary (to become a christian counselor) after i graduate. i don't know how i feel about being in school for the next 6 years. but we will see what happens i am only a freshman.

update:
natalie and i have been doing a great job challenging each other to be more productive/healthy/spiritual...here are a few of our goals
1. no facebook...as you know. im going through a little bit of withdraw, but i am handling it alright.
2. gym/running. especially the running part. i have been pretty good about going to the gym this semester, but natalie and i have decided to pick up running. today we ran a mile and half! (and remember we just started!)
3. no desserts...except one per weekend. i almost always get a cookie, ice cream or pie every night. it has become a habit of mine. not only is it wasting away my meal plan it doesn't help me stay healthy.
4. less time on the internet in general. no obsessing over fmylife.com or my guilty pleasure people.com. im especially trying to stop watching tv as a form of relaxation...it doesn't even leave me relaxed! i need to know how to handle my time better.
5.more jesus. more studying. more time for real relationships. less time doing things with no fulfillment.
wow. long post. good night.

sunday nights

2009-02-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

every sunday night i experience some kind of anxiety. the thought of a whole week ahead of me leaves me feeling worrisome. although, i know that worrying does absolutely nothing.
i must dwell on:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

only two more weeks until spring break! yay! i am spending it in panama city, florida for a cru conference. im praying that it will be a time of great spiritual growth and a time to build relationships.

first official post.

2009-02-21T18:08:00.001-05:00

so...i have to admit that my first post, well was more of a trial. very brief and to the point. today was a big day. i deactivated my facebook. in the life of a college student this is huge, but i realize i will be much better off without it. the countless hours that are wasted on it daily are immeasurable and reap little benefits. sure, i may know that two people are now in a complicated relationship, but i dont really know anything about these people. i plan on filling my new free time with countless beneficial things from homework, reading, spending quality time with Jesus, finding new music, and building new real relationships. i opened a blogspot account to have a place to post photos and keep people who really know me updated on my life. who knows if i will actually keep up with it? i believed that i have attempted to create a blog on several occassions. but, i love to follow other people's blog, so i figured maybe i could be an inspiration to others.

on a completely random note, a friend introduced me to playlist.com this week and my life will never be the same. i am tired of spending money on music and this is a great alternative and to my knowledge completely legal. the site allows you to create playlists with songs you love and listen to them in entirity. its easy to use and so much fun! the only downside is you cant take the music with you anywhere, so i am stuck with my old music when i go to the gym and listen to my ipod. but, check it out it's great!

have a great night. im heading to vtone tonight. a campus wide worship service that i am super excited about.

first post

2009-02-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

deleted my facebook. got a blog.